Archive for May, 2007

Unskilled

There are a number of skills I am just no good at… for example…
– keeping plants alive
– bowling
– computer games

I also have to confess…. I cannot barbeque. Nor do I try. And it is an exercise in planned ignorance.

You see, if I learn to barbeque, or inadvertently discover that I actually can do it, then it will become something else that I can be called upon to do for everyone in the house. By not having this skill in any way, if I do not happen to feel like cooking on any particular evening I can walk in the door after work and say in a voice that attempts to sound ravenous, “Wouldn’t barbeque sound gooooood right now?” Then when everyone agrees that barbeque would indeed be a marvellous idea, it becomes someone else’s responsibility.

Unfortunately, this little trick only works for dinner. If only I could figure out what one could possibly barbeque for breakfast, I’d really be on to something today.

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Be Careful What You Wish For

The lack of household heat and hot water being what they were, to say this was not the best of hair days might be putting it a tad mildly. Combine that with the fact that I could not find my mascara this morning and was at work for an hour and a half before I realized that I had neglected to zip up my pants, and its a wonder someone didn’t make a 911 call to the fashion police. It was a fugly day, people. It was a fugly day. The kind of day where both your hair spray and your deodorant give out by about noon.

But luck being what it is, I needed to stop at the grocery store for milk and eggs on the way home. I quickly pick up my items, and am surprised to find a check out with its little light on and nobody in line. Must be my lucky day, I think… completely forgetting that up until this moment luck hadn’t shown its little face in days. It was not until I had punched in my debit number that I realized there was a television camera on this particular check out. What they might have been filming, I have no idea, but I’m here to tell you the very prospect that my fugly little self might be immortalized on film increases exponentially with how fugly I was. And how many people I went to school with who might be watching.

I had the kind of look Stacey & Clinton show in secret footage on “What Not To Wear.” I guess the good news is that I may have taken my first steps to actually being a little old lady made famous in a commercial… or at the very least some staff training video. Perhaps it’s time to set the sights a tad higher.

Boiling Water

You know how in movies they always yell “boil water” when someone goes into labour and nobody has a clue what to do? Do you know how many babies could have been born by the clueless with the amount of water I’ve boiled on the stove in the last two days?

You know how in old westerns there always someone taking a steamy bath in a giant washtub which was carefully filled by some saloon barmaid? And the bath looks almost comfortable and relaxing…all steamy and bubbly? Do you have any idea how many freaking pots it takes to get enough water in a bathtub to even soak your feet, let alone your entire self?

If it didn’t mean I’d probably need a bath by going down to the watering hole the basement, I’d march right down there and hug my waterheater right now. Then I’d weep big lonely tears so it would know how much it is missed.

I have new found respect for pioneers. And campers.

Weekend Lessons

Lesson 1 —

If you have no hot water, maybe, just maybe, your hotwater heater is under water and your basement resembles the North Shore.

Lesson 2 —


The $40 you save on barbeque assembly may be cheaper than the divorce which is likely if you mistakenly think projects involving tools and 15 pages of instructions will build togetherness.

Lesson 3 —

Opting to bake a cake yourself instead of giving in to a bakery version will only save you money if the homebaked cake is not adorned with $5 in sprinkles alone.

And how was your weekend?

Loons R Us

Ever wonder what the animals in the zoo must think about the people they watch?

Or what babies must think as they observe grown humans make silly faces and do odd things for uncomprehendable reasons?

Today at work was a bit like that.


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