Archive for the 'Life Lessons' Category

I Will Fix Me

I started this post a while ago, but honestly I was trying to write into fruition what I wasn’t really feeling.  I was trying to will myself on the way to feeling better when I wasn’t even on the trail. Until yesterday. Now the post is finally finished and grounded.

~~~

I have not blogged in a significant amount of time.  Now much of this largely relates to the fact that I was wallowing, and I have, for the most part, attempted to keep the blog as upbeat as possible.  That’s hard to do whilst wallowing.

The thing about betrayal, which by the way has a large variety of forms (lies and/or breach of trust, infidelity, emotional abandonment, or some combination therein), is that it leaves the person left in the dust with a somewhat shaken confidence level, regardless of how competent they may be to handle their new life without partner, and (to my surprise) even if they were already doing pretty much everything alone already.  (That may be the longest sentence ever). There is an endless stream of self-doubt that comes with the deal.  As a result of this, I feel broken.  Sometimes I feel almost non-existent.

But I need to move on from this.   I need to do whatever I need to do to get past this.  I need to move from wallowing to self-nurturing.  And here is my plan:

~~~

And that is where the post stopped.  I had no plan… just a plan to get a plan.  Which of course was not entirely useful or noteworthy.  Then yesterday, in the normal course of mom-duty, I went to the drama festival to watch Rainbow’s grade perform…

As I sat on the bench waiting for the doors to open for the performance,  a red haired girl descended the stairs holding the hand of a teacher.  She had challenges which were notable from her gait, slightly tiptoed, and the sway of her head.  As she got to the bottom of the stairs she smiled with her entire face, pointed her finger to the two strangers waiting beside me, and said, “You will LOVE this!”  Then she joined the rest of her classmates.

Her confidence made me smile.

The play was an anti-bullying play in a Glee-like format.  All students took turns saying a line about standing up to bullies, tolerance, acceptance, etc., and these were interspersed with musical numbers to illustrate the points.  The songs had small choreographed movements, hand gestures, steps, etc., and it was obvious a great deal of practice had gone into the production.  The little red haired girl was in the back row, at the very end.  I presumed the teacher who was holding her hand was close by in the wings.

The last two songs were Unwritten and Lean on Me.  When they got to Unwritten something must have clicked with the little red haired girl.  Maybe it was her favourite song.  Maybe she found her comfort zone.  Maybe she just couldn’t hold in her love of music any more.  But whatever the factor, this child belted it out and danced her little heart out, albeit out of key and out of sync with her cohorts.  The other students carried on harmonizing and stepping together as if it were business as usual.

And I sat there and wept witnessing the sheer unbridled joy that was in that child performing with her classmates.  Then they did it all again during Lean on Me.  The group of students would do a turn, and she, on the end, would spin with arms raised as if she were summoning the heavens to dance with her.  And I cried again.

You see, there was this person with real challenges…. someone with every reason to wallow (probably)…. and she was rejoicing in her moment on the stage…  giving completely of herself and bursting with joy just to have voice and movement.  She had not a care about differences.  It may have been one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.

At the very end of her assessment the adjudicator said she would like to “give a little shout out to the lady in the back row with the sassy haircut.  She was inspirational.”  Interestingly, every adult applauded.  Every child turned to look to see who was sitting in the back row of the seats of the theatre, not realizing she was referring to one of them.

So, little red-haired girl, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I did LOVE it.  And you, just by being you, have lifted me up when I couldn’t do it myself.  You have given me perspective and a peace in myself.  You are a gift and an inspiration.

~~~

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Silver Linings

It was a dark and stormy night…

OK, maybe it was just raining… but it was an hour and a half drive from home, on roads I didn’t know, in a teeny town where I knew not a soul, and it was getting dark.  And the back tire was falling off my car.

Interestingly enough, this was probably the highlight of my last 48 hours.

Yes, it’s been a very bad couple of days for me.  But at this particular moment, in these particular circumstances, some wonderful things happened… a family stopped and tried to flag me down some assistance (eventually driving Rainbow and I back home), Twitter contacts (some of which I have never met in person) tried to find me some help or talk me through my situation, friends offered to text contacts for me.  None of it worked, mind you… and my car is still dead in its tracks at a funeral home (the irony of which was also good for my soul)… but good-hearted people had my back.  And it fills my insides just thinking how not alone I was right at that moment when I could have been very stranded.

I needed that reminder.  I needed to refocus on the great things this life offers up, even when the direction life is taking you is not what you’re envisioning.  I needed the reminder that everything is going to be okay.

And now I need a car with four working tires.

50 Before 50

So, as I was trolling for a meme to fill the day’s blog post requirement, I came across a number of sites doing a “101 things in 1001 days”.  Essentially it is a list of things someone would like to accomplish (all which must take some degree of effort) within the next 2.75 (or thereabout) years.  This, to me, sounds a tad too daunting to consider.  Intriguing.  But daunting.

Which has me considering a 50 before 50 list.  Fewer things, more time.  Because frankly I’m tired, stressed, and somewhat realistic about what I can possibly do.  Because seriously, could someone who has trouble with a new year’s resolution possibly consider crossing much off a 50 item list (let alone a 101 item list)?

So… essentially I am putting it out there that I am considering a goal list of some quantity for some duration of time. 

And perhaps item #1 should be “stop dawdling”.  Maybe.

Lest I ever be accused of someone who gives up easily…

…tonight I applied hair colour #3 in my attempt to have a less “screeching” shade of mane.  As I sat and waited for the stinking goop to take effect on my hair, I almost didn’t care if it turned green, as long as it wasn’t still red.  The green, I thought, I could attempt to carry off as some sort of youthful trend or perhaps an environmental statement.  The red just yelled, “whoohooo” for no apparent reason that I could think of except the bad highlight attempt that it was.

The result was more subtle than I would have hoped:

sg-of-gg

(hangs colourful head and sighs)

It’s probably a good thing I’m not in any way taken with the exact shade because it would be a pain in the butt to duplicate the application of three different hair colours to achieve the same result each time I may decide to be just that shade of red again.  And won’t I look… um… vibrant… when I get my drivers license renewed in a couple of weeks?  Lovely timing, lovely timing.

Circus Lessons

1.  Camels apparently poop a lot.  And often. 

2.  The audience is more likely to be injured by a stranger’s two year old wielding a plastic light saber than by the chance of any animals ever getting loose.

3.  The chance of acquiring the perfect seat is equally proportionate to the chance of an eight foot tall man sitting directly in front of you and obstructing your perfect view.

4.  Apparently if you can wear a skimpy sparkling costume and can walk back and forth across a ring making grandious gestures with your arms, you too can be a circus performer.

5.  No circus day is complete without cotton candy.  The sugar disolving on your tounge is like the ferry dust to the circus magic.


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