Archive for the 'It’s All About Me' Category

An Internal Dialogue on Driveways

I have been looking for a new place to live.  The girls and I have been craving a fresh start, and I have no doubt that new living space would go a long way to helping us heal.

Not everyone seems to get this.  I am finding men, in particular, don’t get that there is psychology to a house.  First reactions are typically “it will get better eventually”.  No doubt it will, but must I seriously reside among my ghosts waiting for that to happen?

So recently I went to see a property which had only an exterior picture in its sales pitch.  On paper it appeared to have pretty much everything I’d want.  Despite the fact that I hadn’t completely figured out how I’d make it happen, I made an appointment to view it.  Then I drove by numerous times awaiting my appointment, scoping out the neighbourhood, trying to imagine what it might be like inside.

While scoping out this property one thing that occurred to me was that it had a double driveway.  For some reason this made me remember that part in the book The Secret where they talk about the woman longed for a partner and then realizes that she is taking up her entire closet (or maybe it was a dresser or something), and as soon as she makes room for this partner that doesn’t exist yet, low and behold one enters her life, a gift from the universe.

So, I looked at this double driveway and thought to myself, “What would the universe bring to a driveway like that?  What would I want it to bring?”

And then it occurred to me, “Dear G*d, if you bring another car, please let it not be driven by an arsehole.” Because really, there are a few facts we need to come to terms with here:

1)      I am a crappy judge of men apparently, and

2)      I have no freaking idea how to be single as an older, frumpy, over-worked mom.

As it turned out, the property was a complete and total wreck, so I need not even have had this internal discussion with myself at all, but for the record….  If I *do* find a place to live with a double driveway… there is comfort in knowing that parking dead centre can send a message to the universe too:  One that says, “Lonely and alone are not the same thing… this space is mine…. mine alone…. and I am perfectly ok with that.”

Or maybe it says, “this girl has no idea how to park”.

Either one.

The New Normal

There is no doubt they are well meaning, for usually it is in response to a heartfelt “how was your holiday?” and is accompanied by a nod which acknowledges, “I know it must have been different.”  And usually it is someone I feel comfortable enough admitting the holiday was not without its drama…. but I have to say, every time I hear the words “It’s the new normal,” it pierces my soul just a tiny bit.

I have to remind myself that these are people that care about me, they are among those I hold dear, so they can’t possibly mean that they believe I should get pretty darn used to feeling alone and sad a lot of the time, and that I’ll have to clean out my own drains forever, and maybe even buy my own power tools to fix stuff.  Because my immediate reaction is, “if this is going to be my ‘normal’, it really kind of sucks, so please pass the chocolate.”

But deep within myself, I know that’s not what they mean, and I also know that this current reality will not always be how it is. It can get better.  And really, for the most part, my girls and I are perfectly ok and will continue to make our way in the world together just fine.

Though pass the chocolate anyway 🙂

Pass the Remote

If my life were a movie, I think I would fast forward over this bit…  the bit where the wee ones see only the fact that Mommy asked Daddy to leave, and not the myriad of reasons that preceeded it…  the bit where they love Mommy, but don’t really like her much as a result of the changes she has brought to their comfy wee world…  the bit where everyone is trying to figure out what this new life entails…

Instead, skip me ahead to the part where the family finds peace in their new separate lives… where there are two convergent but separate happily ever afters.

And also, since were pretending my life is a movie, can I be played by some engaging, attractive starlett?  If I’m rewriting history, I might as well take full creative license and go for that makeover I’ve long desired 🙂

Resolutions. Sort of.

I have been pondering that annual “to-do” list of good intentions known as resolutions, and I have given a few moments of consideration to what it is I want out of 2011…

If I were to unleash the power of intention, what exactly would I intend???

sock-bullet I would want to put more positivity into the world,

sock-bullet I would want to read more, and write more, and learn more,

sock-bullet I would want to grow as a person (mentally and spiritually…  I’m pretty sure no amount of intending will make me taller),

sock-bullet I would want to see the humour in life (because that may be the only way I think I’ll get through parenting the teen years),

sock-bullet I would want to save more (and by more I mean any), and give more (however meagre),

sock-bullet And I would want to smile more and remember not to take myself so darn seriously.

This year, I will not quantify any of it… I will not commit to x number of blog posts, or x number of smiles.  Nor will I revisit everything I did or didn’t accomplish last year.  It’s a new page.  It’s a new year.  May it be filled with focus, joy and peace.

Happy New Year, xo

The Year Ends Softly

I have never told anyone this… and I’m not sure if it is the New Year’s wine or the New Year’s self reflection that brings me to tell it now, but I feel like sharing.  It may seem far fetched, but I assure you it happened, and is not unlike several things that have happened to me in the past…

A long time ago, back when I was single and living alone, I sat one evening in my livingroom and was so overcome by loneliness that I physically ached.  The emotion was physically painful.  There, on the couch in a house I owned, my younger self felt ripped by that crippling emotion with a power I cannot express.

And, within minutes of that happening, the phone rang.  It was a neighbour who lived across the street and a few houses down.  She said she had just driven by my house and was overcome but a very deep sadness, so she thought she’d call and see if I was ok.

I was ok, I assured her.  And it wasn’t a lie.  By calling me, by reaching out, she had just made it ok.

— // —

It is nearly 2011.

Each year opens with hope and promise and resolution… a fresh page of life, ready to be written.  But for the last couple of years, with all the rocky storms of unemployment and the tenuous self-identity that seem to go with it, that optimism has been tempered by a healthy dose of realism.

But this year ends softly.

This year ends with me in a job that I enjoy.  Yes, technically it’s temporary, but tomorrow is not yet written, and today I have happy, busy work.

Despite the ups and downs and brutal self reflection, I have through it all had good health, and good family, and have never lost love nor laughter.

I have an amazing best friend that helps me stay both grounded and buoyed.  She laughs both with me, and at me, and nods knowingly as I vent. She is a gift.

I have experienced the kindness of both people who have known me a lifetime, and people who have only crossed my path.

I have made new friends, both in real life and on-line (or both), and each is a treasure.

I may not own a house anymore, but life is oh so very full.  As I enter 2011, I want to hold onto the gratitude for all I have, I want to rejoice in the people in my life, and I want to reach out to others when I can.  I want to revel in the gifts that life brings, and be able to laugh when it doesn’t work out quite the way I plan.

The year has ended softly.  And it is a lovely place to be.

— // —

I am acutely aware of how lonely this holiday season can be for some people.  If you are one of those people, please know that it can get better.  Rainbows can follow rain, and laughter can follow sorrow.

And for all my friends and readers (for you are all friends), I hope your year ends softly.  And I hope your 2011 holds joy.

Happy New Year. xo

Another trip around the sun

If there are two things we are about here in the House of Sock, it is cake and wishes.  As a result, birthdays, regardless of how the honouree may feel about being another year older, are always marked with sweets and candles.

Yesterday was my birthday.

True to tradition, my family picked me out a lovely cake and carefully lit a few candles.  They dimmed the lights and brought me out my flaming treat.  “Make a wish!” Rainbow declared…

And then it happened…

In that very moment, for probably the first time ever in my life, I had nothing to wish for.  How could I be so unprepared for something I knew was coming?!  This is the pivotal wishing opportunity of the year!!! My mind quickly browsed the list which has seemed forever engrained in the front of my mind…  A job for the next little while? – check.  Feeling fine? – check.  Kids ok? – check.  I was, to my very surprise, at peace in that moment.

So I closed my eyes, and whispered in my heart “may they live happily ever after” and blew out my candles…

Of course, now looking back on it… I realize I never did get that pony I wanted from childhood.  Maybe next year.

Life in a Bag – Response

So I had previously challenged readers to find five objects that would represent your life/who you are.  I have to admit, this was WAY tougher than I thought.  This post has been sitting in my draft file for about 3 weeks as I tried to think of #5.  Yes, I am that lame.  I am unable to post anything until I respond to my own challenge.  Here, for what it is worth, are my own five objects (in no particular order):

1.  A Compass – because I am still trying to find my way.

2.  A Keyboard – because it is an object involved in so much of what I do, and have done, and is one means that keeps me connected to people important to me.

3.  A Fudgee-O – because if you are what you eat….

4.  A Pen – to represent the value I place on creativity.

and 5. Fake Nose/Glasses – As a reminder to never take myself too seriously.


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