On potential (or lack thereof)

Bonnie, over at Crib Chronicles, asked recently about reaching one’s potential.  I am not only a late bloomer, but of late have questioned if I’ll ever bloom at all.

Fact is, my life has followed an almost accidental path.  One thing lead to the next and the next with no real end goal but to be a provider.  It has lead me to some interesting positions and some not so interesting ones. It has given me a breadth of skills and experience and educational opportunities.  And now it seems to lead no where.

I am approaching almost the 6 month mark on unemployment and to date I have found one short-term temp position. One by one, job hopes have crashed and burned.  And as rejections build, I feel more broken and bruised inside. I know the economy is bad right now.  I know Canada’s unemployment rate is at an 11-year high.  But each ‘no’ cuts deeper and deeper into an ever eroding self-confidence.

For me, it is not about what I want to be when I grow up.  It’s about survival.

But shall we play “what if”?  Like, what if survival wasn’t crucial, and I could do (or train to do) almost anything… I have no clue.  You see, the imaginary fictional me in my brain is like a cartoon character.  She has a cape and really cool boots.  She can dance, and figure skate, and probably has an academy award in her closet.  She can even program her own VCR.  (None of which I have or can do). But her job?  I have no clue.  What does she contribute to society?  Again, I have no clue.  But she’s fun and she makes me laugh.

While it is hard to separate self-perceived potential from one’s employment or position in life, I suppose that potential is, in fact, more than that. What exactly could someone say about me?  I fear I may be the most unremarkable person I know.  (Should that add pressure to achieve or take the pressure off??)

Here is what I do know: for all of the crap of the last decade or so… the loss of a business, a house, a son, a job… tomorrow still comes.  We navigate the crap and try to make it to the next moment, we cry and grieve when our soul screams in agony, we forgive ourselves our failings, and we seek out whatever joy and laughter we can, where ever we can, when ever we can.  (And by “we” I probably mean me and my imaginary caped crusader cartoon self, because when I wrote the sentence with “I” it seemed kind of pompous).

What can I say… My life is a work in progress.  Maybe one day I’ll find my path.  Maybe one day I’ll even know what my potential is.  And one day I hope that the world can say:  Sockie survived. And sometimes Sockie even laughed.

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2 Responses to “On potential (or lack thereof)”


  1. 1 tpgoddess0103 June 5, 2009 at 12:25 pm

    Sockie is definitely a survivor – one who has made her friends laugh for sure (hopefully she has laughed along the way with us).

    And Sockie is a brilliant writer. This is one of your best. Hugs.

  2. 2 Janet June 5, 2009 at 5:32 pm

    Sockie is giving herself a bum rap. (We won’t go into the whole “what I want to be when I grow up” thing – I myself don’t know that. Actually I do know – I want to act in Broadway musicals. Not going to happen. Plan B still unknown.)

    They say no because they know you’re too smart for them. Keep writing. You’re a brilliant writer. OH wait, tp already said that. Um, well, not being a brilliant writer myself, I’m finding I need a thesaurus. How about “inspiring writer?” Yeah, let’s go with that.


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